“It” has been there overnight, unmoved and curled up in a black dormant state just under the roof moulding for 24 hours, near my side of the desk.  (I share this work space with my husband so take note, we have a long desk.  His side and my side).  It is tormenting me and all who know me, know it is a big deal to get rid of said creature.  I HATE spiders on any level whether it be a live one or one in a picture form inside a book.  Don’t even try and throw a toy one at me either.  When I go to the Facebook grapevine to catch up on local gossip and accidentally see a “what kind of spider is this? post, I’m taken instantly to a nervous wreck gotta change my pants state.  This morning I decide 24 hours is long enough and I have to be brave and remove this life changing species via my perfected  vacuum screaming dance.  This is where I must be gymnastically coordinated with the fly spray, the vacuum, the ladder and the spider.  I know from experience that I get one shot at it and normally of late I have it down to perfection.  Trust me if I get it wrong you DO NOT want to be in my house under any circumstances.  I must follow my self made 5 step programme.  1:  The vacuum bag must always be full so that when the spider hits the ‘bits’ it will be hurt real bad and be rendered critically ill and unable to scamper back up the hose.  Sometimes this requires me to have a quick vacuum to accumulate the supplies.  2:   The fly spray must be sprayed at high speed down the nozzle to back up the critically ill patient just in case.  3:  The scream must occur slightly prior to the “suck” and during the “spray” so that I cannot hear the noise of the “thud”.  When I anticipate the “thud”  I do my dance to control all the goose bumps  that are now running wild up and down my spine.  4:  Is still under perfection but it is knowing when to stop spraying so  that I don’t blow up my vacuum.   My niece, bless her,  videoed me behind my back one day doing the vacuum scream.  She now knows exactly how her Aunty is reduced to a pathetic whimpering shaking mess just to remove a dot on the wall.  So far she has not held this against me.  Finally 5 is plugging the hose hole for a few hours to back up 1,2,3 and 4 until I am sure beyond any reasonable doubt that it is dead and can be emptied into the bin outside.  I must admit this is not yet doable by me and it is still my husbands job.  It is his punishment for failing to kill spiders successfully over the years and letting them run loose in my home because he didn’t pop the life out of them when he had his one shot.  Now I control all fazes except lucky last.

I look at the black culprit, from a good distance and decide I will do it when I get back from my trip to the gas station to grab some milk I have just run out of.  The milk trip will only take me 10 minutes so what’s another 10 minutes of denial right?  Once I am home I bravely go straight to the cupboard and drag  my trusty vacuum through the dining, through the lounge and around the corner and lay it down by the computer desk whilst I go and get the rest of the army requirements.  I give a quick look at what is about to give my vocal cords a workout only to stop dead in my tracks….  What’s worse than finding a big fat White tail spider above your computer?   Finding that after 24 hours of non movement, it has in 10 small minutes, vanished…. Completely….   Now my torment continues on a daily basis with every hair that tickles and every fluff that moves, while I sit at my desk in my permanent goose bump state, waiting……